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January 3rd, 2010

(no subject)

My new years resolutions:

1) Let everyone I love know each time we talk how much I dearly care for them. I don't want a day to go by where an arguement doesn't get resolved, a hateful word is said and not asked for forgiveness, or a friendship to go to caput because of whatever happened.

2) Truly speak my mind. No more holding back just to "spare" someone's feelings.

3) In regards to that, try to not be so judgemental of people.. you never know what someone is going through or what their day has been like.

4) Read the bible everyday.. I felt so distant from God this past year... I need to change that.

5) Workout every day... P90x here I come!

6) Take more pictures of my surroundings and the people I love. Pictures speak a thousand words.

7) Spend more time with friends... I have grown distant from a good majority of my friends, that I want to pursue the friendship again.

8) Try to look more positively on life, love, and everything in between.

9) Try not to eat out so much (dunno how this will work but I'm gonna do my best!)

December 3rd, 2009

(no subject)

I hate this. I hate the fact that you're so stressed out with everything going on and there's nothing I can do to just make you smile or make you have a better day. Instead, all I seem to do is just make it worse. How do you make someone extremely happy when all they want to do is mope and not try to make things better?

Thing is, Ben's stressed because his parents are getting onto him about UTSA. He has not gone to MCC in a month.. yes, a month, and it frustrates me beyond belief. Even though you "give up on Waco", I'm disappointed that he's giving up on school while he still lives there. Thing is, I can relate though. I gave up on school at one point and completely stopped going to classes and for me, it ended pretty badly. Knowing Ben's parents, I don't think it's going to turn out well for him. I'm nervous to see what will happen in the next upcoming weeks.
It disappoints me because now that ben is not "in school", all he does is sit around his house, smoke, play halo, and sleep. It's like he just doesn't care bout anything anymore. He's not the same Ben that I've always known him to be. It just kind of saddens me.

And lately, we've been fighting consistently. I think I'm just going to get to a point this next week and a half where I'm not going to call or text him anymore. Like I'm at the point, where I try to make him get his mind off of the stressful things going on, but nothing I seem to do helps. And yes, I get mad when he doesn't call or text when he says he will. It is just infuriating. So, I think the next two weeks I probably will hardly hear from him and he will be okay with that... it's like it doesn't matter to him because 'he knows it will be better when he gets home'. But what if it's not? What if I decide that I'm tired of putting up with this and walk out the door to never speak to him again? Would that be better for him?

ugh. I love him. With all of my heart I do. I just don't want him to fall into the person I was years ago. But unlike him, I will stand by and support him until it just gets to be too much. I guess maybe that's what happened with us 3 years ago. Maybe, I became too much for him to handle? My God is testing my strength? I have no idea. I'm just going to focus on my last week of school and passing my classes and not worry about it until the time comes.

November 27th, 2009

(no subject)

recent news: Ben is moving back to San Antonio in 2.5 weeks! eeeekkk! I am thoroughly excited for him to be so much closer and for things to work out a lot better. This fighting we do is ridiculous. I just have to remember 2.5 weeks and then things will be better.

Also, going to Not So Silent Night in like 3 weeks :) I'm excited for that. Blue October, The Fray, Boys Like Girls, Jason Derulo, and Owl City all going to be there :) W00T! Going to that with Ben and then Laserfloyd in January with him. I've been to Laserfloyd but Ben never has, so that will truly be an experience to watch him. Lol!

Can't wait for Colorado Ski Trip also. I wish Ben was still coming with as it was originally planned but SOMEONE had to go and get single *russell*. Kinda mad that Ben can't go because "its not fair to him", but it's whatever. I'll have fun on that trip I think.

November 5th, 2009

(no subject)


i hate that we're fighting. i hate that the only reason we are fighting is because we are missing each other so greatly. you have so much going on in your life right now, things you are having to deal with, and i want to be there so badly for you. i want to be able to help you, but i can't. i can't if you won't let me in.

i'm sooo excited that you'll most likely be back in san antonio come spring for school. you'll be so much closer and i can see you whenever i want. i won't have to miss you so much except for on the days that we both are busy with family, or school. i'm so excited that i can hold you in my arms whenever i want to and i don't have to wait until the weekends to do so.

but at the same time, it makes me sad. i know you don't want to be here. you tell me that you don't care that your family is making you come back home, but i know you well enough to know you do. i know you don't want them to always be on your back about grades or whatever. i know you want to be able to stay out as late as you want and not have to worry about a curfew. San Antonio is not where you want to be, even if i'm there too.

i'm just worried that his stress will take a toll on our relationship and all of these months we've wanted to be closer to each other will finally happen, only to crumble and fall.

yes i'm a debbie-downer. i apologize. i just don't want to lose the greatest thing to ever come into my life.

October 30th, 2009

(no subject)

so i'm a little sad... no zelda or link costumes will be made this year i don't think :( we are just too broke and would rather go on a date together then spend money on costumes we might only wear once. so i think saturday night he is taking me out so i can have a little study break. that is how my weekend will be spent in waco... studying, reading, studying, research, essay writing, studying... UGHH. but it's cute because ben said he'd study with me which is exciting.

and we have to take pictures for a photo assignment of his that is due on tuesday.. so that'll be fun. i get to pull out my nice camera that i haven't used in awhile :) not sure what he's gonna do but we will see.

so we will see how this weekend goes. it sucks though because after this weekend, i won't see ben until after school lets out i think :/

October 21st, 2009

(no subject)

eeekkk! i'm excited.
ben and i are gonna make princess zelda and link costumes in one week!!! :)
i hope our costumes look badass!

October 16th, 2009

(no subject)

in a few days it will be 7 months for you and i. never have i felt so completely alive and happy. we have our faults... we fight a lot.. but we love each other. we are actually able to work through the fights and work them out. that's what i love. sure i say you're an asshole and you say that i'm a bitch, but i feel that God has brought you back in my life again to make me a stronger person. It's been 3 weeks since I've seen you... geez that's a long time for us, but I'll see you in exactly a week and it'll be the best weekend ever! Going to see Where the Wild Things Are, hookah, dinner date, and just being with you is all I want to do. You are the one I love and the one I've loved for so many years. Sometimes, I wake up to a "good morning beautiful how did you sleep" message, and I wonder how it's possible that you are in my life? How did it go from you thinking I was super creepy in 9th grade to loving me now? It's only been 6 1/2 months, but I love joking about "look, we beat our last relationship"...

i'm not going to lie, i worry for you though. not a whole lot now but i do. i pray to God that he keeps you safe everyday with the activities you encounter. I pray that you don't ever have something happen to you that could make me lose you in my life. you tell me that i worry too damn much but it's not my fault!!

i can't wait to hold you in my arms again and celebrate 7 months wit you.

benjamin paul gagne, i love youuuu.

June 13th, 2009

(no subject)

sometimes i wonder if this is the you i'm going to be stuck with for forever. i'm not a big fan of this you. those 3 weeks that i had you sober, were the best weeks we've had in awhile. though things were happening for you, i loved that you dealt with it and dealt with it sober. don't get me wrong, i love you now and for forever. but, this side of you, is one that i don't like. i just sometimes wish the you that i had 3 years ago was still there. i wish that i still had the man who was so against drinking and smoking, especially the smoking.

i truly miss that guy, which is sad to say. i guess college does change us but i didn't think it would change you so greatly. no matter what i say or do though, no matter how many times i cry in front of you or beg you not to smoke, it doesn't matter to you. i just don't know what to do anymore. this is one thing i have absolutely no control over and it's hard to think about. i am a person that likes to have control and yet this, i can't do anything over.

i hope that one day i'll see that benjamin paul gagne that i fell in love with 3 years ago.. but i don't think i'll ever see him again.

June 7th, 2009

(no subject)

i can't wait until one day when maybe, just maybe, i'll be able to be with you everyday. i won't have to be 200 miles from you, or go without seeing you for weeks, where you are just two feet away and i can hold you everyday.

i can't wait until the day when no one will ever doubt that our love is real. that no matter what we go through, we will conquer it all. that God will be with the two of us and guide us through life.

i can't wait until one day when maybe i can call you not only my best friend, my rock, my everything, but also my husband and an amazing father.

i can't wait.

June 3rd, 2009

(no subject)

how do you know when to stop? i sure as hell don't. i guess i push people and push people until they finally break. that's my problem. i don't help situations out, i only make them worse. no matter how hard i try to make him happy or show him i love him, it's always too much or not enough or i'm just pushing his buttons. it hurts me that i do this. hurts me that i can't stop this or don't know how to.

as i have said before, maybe i do ask him to talk to me too much. but i never feel like i'm getting talked to enough. when he's in waco, i never a lot of time to talk to him unless it's late at night. only way that we talk is by me communicating with him, or at least that's what it seems like. i don't think i ask for much. i just want to know that he's thinking about me when he's with his friends. i want to feel from 200 miles away that he loves me, more than just words. i want to feel it.

maybe i do ask too much from him. maybe i expect too much from him. if i didn't expect so much, maybe i would never really be disappointed. but in my eyes he's perfect. everything about him. despite all the stuff we go through, or the things i don't like that he does, to me, he is what i want. it scares me that i already think about marriage, especially with him. i just remember 9th grade thinking how awesome it'd be if i could say i married my high school sweetheart. now i don't know so much anymore.

i just wish ben knew that i do things because i love him with all of my heart. maybe he does know that, but he thinks the worst of me for the things i do. like he thinks i have a texting and calling problem. maybe that's true, but i know that when i miss him most, yes i call or text. and maybe that's not healthy. it's just hard for me to wait around all day to wait for him to call me or text me. just to me, it feels like i'm not good enough that he can't make a few seconds to send me a text or ten minutes just to call me. i understand, he's with his friends, but is this how it's going to be when he lives with josh? is our relationship going to be based on texting because that's more convienent for him? i don't think i could handle that. i want to hear his voice. and i won't be able to drive down on the weekends anymore because of my job so communication is going to be important while we're together.

i don't want to intefere with his school. i don't want to intefere with a job he might get. i don't want to intefere with time spent with friends. i just wish that he'd show me he cares. that even though he's spending time with his friends, he's thinking of me. maybe i'll just stop texting him and calling him all together and see how that works out. but i don't think he'd really care. maybe i'm not giving him the benefit of the doubt, but how it's been the past 2 months, i just think he'd be okay with not talking to me for a few days. and that's not how a relationship should be.
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